Good communication is the essential foundation of a successful relationship (in truth both at key milestones during a relationship and after if it has broken down). Timely and honest conversations, even about difficult topics, ensure that everyone is on the same page or, if it becomes clear that they are not, provides the first step towards addressing any divergence of opinion. It can help the couple work as a team equipped to handle the many challenges of our modern lives, whether that be financial, health or work based pressures but also with children, the wider family and friends.
Invariably, a significant factor in the breakdown of a relationship is an earlier breakdown in communication, sparking a catalyst that can lead to resentment, loss of trust, emotional distance, infidelity, separation and divorce.
Key questions that couples should discuss
Discussions about financial matters are essential prior to key milestones such as moving in or buying a house together, getting married and having children but also on an ongoing basis after other big events such as a change of financial circumstances. This is especially the case with cohabiting couples with the widespread misunderstanding about common law marriage, coming as a nasty shock at a time of significant vulnerability. The couple should consider formalising the outcome of those discussions in a cohabitation, pre-nuptial or post-nuptial agreement with the support of a family lawyer, ensuring everyone is on the same page and protected as far as possible.
Another particularly emotive but important topic is the decision to have children and when. The emotional and financial cost of fertility challenges mean that this is a key decision on which a couple need to be united from early on in the relationship. It is an issue which can cause huge conflict and emotional pain.
Less obviously, questions about attitudes to family, sex, core values and the sharing of household or child raising responsibilities are also key issues ripe for future discord and conflict. Will the couple divide and conquer, sharing key tasks between themselves or will one person take on the burden of the non-financial contributions to the relationship? There is no one size fits all but the importance of everybody being on the same page on those issues cannot be understated.
Advice for couples who struggle to communicate and how to start tough conversations
Marriage preparation courses (secular or faith based) can be hugely beneficial to couples willing to sit down with a neutral third party to have an honest and open conversation about everything (sex, money, family, conflict resolution and communication) that may lie ahead.
Otherwise, meeting with the support of professionals whether financial advisers, counsellors or therapists can kick-start the process of having informed and structured conversations about important issues. It may be appropriate for these discussions
to be explored further in mediation with a specialist family law professional or with a family lawyer who can help formalise the outcome of those difficult discussions to provide protection for the future.
Avoiding the issue does not make it go away and it is far better to bite the bullet and access support to have these difficult discussions now than pay for it later with costly and acrimonious disputes on relationship breakdown.
